Introduction to adoption

If you’ve made it this far and you’re still reading, it’s time to break out of the nutshell and get to the nuts … and bolts.

Want to start a great debate that will carry on for weeks and months and years? Easy. Just take this simple three-word question, “What is adoption?” and post it in places around the World Wide Web.

“It’s a miracle!”
“It’s a wound!”
“It’s the best thing that ever happened to our family!”
“It’s the worst tragedy we’ve endured.”
“It’s the happiest occasion of my life!”
“It’s the saddest moment I’ll ever experience.”
“It saved me!”
“It condemned me!”
“It was meant to be!”
“It should never have happened!”

Adoptive families tend to wax lyrical and can be effusive in their unbounded praise of adoption. The sense that the child they adopt was ‘meant to be’ is often reinforced by the arbitrary nature of circumstance that ended up putting ‘their’ child in their family.

If they had made the choice to adopt a month earlier or a month later, had the paperwork come together more quickly, if they had chosen a different agency … if, if, if. All of these ifs may still have resulted in adopting a child, but not that child. Not their
child … the child who has a laugh like Grandma’s, a lovely singing voice like Great Aunt Tillie and hates bell peppers just like Mom … the child that fits the family as perfectly as a handmade glove.

Birth parents may have a completely different take.

The term “birth parents” can be problematic. Some birth mothers prefer the title be one word: birthmother. Many do not. In this Guide, the two-word appellation is used throughout the book.
*See “Speaking the Language” for more info on terms.

Many birth moms who relinquished children in what is now known as the ‘closed era’ of adoption - the 1950s, 60s and 70s - have suffered their losses for years, and are now vociferous in their condemnation of such a rosy picture being painted.

As one well-known and respected birth mom explained: “To accept the theory that some babies are born to be raised by others, would require me to believe that some women are destined to be breeders or baby-making machines, and/or that God puts babies in the wrong tummy. I do not subscribe to any of those theories.”

Children, once grown, may also have a less than glowing judgment of the realities of their birth and subsequent adoption. Feelings of loss and grief are common, and resentments can build.

As each note of the triad looks for harmony, the discussion is never ending, and rarely dull.

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Credits: Sandra Hanks Benoiton