Invisible adoption

No, this doesn’t mean you’ll have a diaper toddling around on its own or be seen pushing a stroller that looks empty to the casual observer even though cooing can be clearly heard and there’s a whiff of strained carrots on the wind. It’s not the baby that is invisible, but if your child looks like you … same race and ethnic group, basically similar features … the adoption process itself will not be apparent.

Those fickle genes

Genes being fickle and unpredictable, it is sometimes the case that a child will resemble one or both of the adoptive parents more closely than the birth mom. Even if this isn’t the case, there’s no denying the tendency that runs with a vengeance not easily assuaged through grocery store checkout lines to draw comparisons between moms and babies and to insist noses-eyebrows-lips-chins come in spitting images.

It is certainly not your duty as an adoptive parent to educate everyone you come into contact with, but you must be aware that your child, when old enough, will be listening to these interactions and absorbing not only your words, but every nuance and undertone as well.

Your child’s adoption is a fact of life and should be a source of pride along with the acceptance of the circumstances the brought your family together, so there is a danger in appearing to ignore the reality.

No “let’s pretend”

Noting similarities between family members is a sweet pastime, and every kid will want to claim ownership to traits they find attractive or appealing. These need not be restricted to those linked by blood … we’ve all seen those “Separated at Birth” photos that show an amazing resemblance between John Kerry and Herman Munster, for example. As your child grows within the loving folds of your personality there are bound to be likenesses, and recognizing these are part of the process that binds family members together.

It is not necessary, nor is it helpful, to ignore the biological influences, however. Games of ‘let’s pretend’ … let’s pretend you grew in Mommy’s tummy; let’s pretend we are all blood related … can only serve to imply that coming to the family through adoption was not as good as if you had biologically produced him yourself, a thought that will eventually extrapolate into the idea that he is not as good as a homemade boy.

Giving genetics their due

By acknowledging the genetic role birth parents play, you allow your child to accept and understand himself. His birth parents’ contributions are what make him, him at the cellular level, and it is important that he learns to value the parts of him that came from them.

There are adoptive parents so invested in the relationship between themselves, the child and the birth parents that no comment, no matter how casual, passes without information being conveyed.

Handling questions and comments matter-of-factly at an early stage can provide your child with the tools to deal with those that come later, defusing potential explosive issues before they develop. Speaking openly and often of adoption helps a child incorporate that significant part of his history in a way that includes him in the conversation and empowers him to take on comments that may be difficult or hurtful to someone not sufficiently prepared or informed.

Ignoring the adoption factor

Extended family should also be discouraged from ignoring the adoption factor. Grandma can be forgiven for forgetting that one grandchild out of many entered her world differently than the others … and this is often the case even with transracially adopted kids, as grandmas are famous for being blind where the grandkids are concerned … but glossing over or ignoring adoption gives hints that there’s something just not right about it. If adoption is your reality, you do not want to be made to feel less because of it.

Perhaps, in Grandma’s time such things were simply not talked about, or mentioned only in hushed tones behind hands held to mouths, but it’s important that she now gets with the program and builds a comfortable relationship with adoption, the word and the fact.

Your child’s adoption is not an embarrassing episode that is best left out of conversations. Whether he looks it or not, it was the miracle of adoption and all it means that brought him into your world, and that’s a cause for celebration every day.

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Credits: Sandra Hanks Benoiton