Mixing it up…

Many families see a combination of dog lovers and cat fanciers wrangling over the remote control. Miracle Whip devotees and mayonnaise fans can spin their laundry in the same machine in loads of households. Ancient ancestors from far-flung continents rise again, resulting in multihued fingers in frosting bowls across the country.

In some families, it’s bio and adopted that make the mix. In many cases the blend is barely noticeable. In others, a rainbow effect is easily apparent. Either way, a family is a family is a family.

Infant adoption is not exclusively the territory of the childless. Perhaps fertility or difficult birth issues arose before the family felt finished. It can be a series of boys that prompts the wish for a little girl, or maybe simply a lifelong desire to adopt has a parent choosing not to create every child from scratch.

Whatever the circumstance, what’s important is that the family fabric is seamless. Even though children - biological and adopted - may not be cut from the same cloth, they must be equal siblings in all senses. The difference in origins can never be allowed as a tool to wound, no matter how natural an instinct cruelty may be in children. The reality of diversity in the family should be celebrated, and that celebration should include everyone so that if divisions are to arise between brothers and sisters, they come from features less circumstantial.

“I am an adoptee and the oldest of three siblings. Two years after I was adopted my brother was born, and a year later, my sister.

The fact of my adoption was always known, and when we were little my siblings did use it.

Comments about how I was not to drink out of the same cup because I had "different germs”, and things like that. As adults, however, we are all very close.

I have always felt, though, that there is a stronger bond between the two of them because they were blood related.

I love my siblings and I would do anything for them, but deep down there is this odd man out feeling.”

An adoptee participating in the adoption.com forums

It’s possible that any family with three kids will end up with one feeling ”odd man out,” with birth order, age difference, sex, and temperaments having the most to do with alignments. Often the configuration of ”we’re cool, but you stink” shifts through the growing process, but it’s almost impossible to have three little people get along equitably for long. Two against one is kid-math that makes sense to anyone under the age of twelve. But where, ”we’re cool, but you stink“ may be tolerable, ”we’re cool bio, but you’re stinky adopted” isn’t. Nor is the other way around. Just like some aggressive actions or naughty words are banned in households, this sort of reference to beginnings is not to be endured or condoned.

Parents, too, can be guilty of subtle favoritism. Of course, this happens in families where adoption is not a factor, so the adoptive family is no different than the one formed exclusively the old fashioned way.

Establishing that a preference for biologically produced offspring will not influence parenting or impact negatively on a child is a vital step in reaching the decision to adopt, even if the likelihood of pregnancy is remote.

(Please see the chapter on Infertility)

Hey! That’s not fair!

What parent hasn’t had that thrown in their face by an indignant kid who may or may not be right? Life isn’t fair, and life reflected off the family mirror is even less fair than the real, cruel world. And that’s how it should be.

The mathematical equation looks like this:
E ≠ F
Which means: Equal does not equal Fair.

Is it fair that a drooling pooping baby elicits more coos than a ten-year-old with grubby hands and a desire for attention?

Is it fair that your sister has thick, curly hair while yours is stick straight and sparse with ends that split at the beginning?

Is it fair that Dad is more impressed by your brother’s tree climbing than by your ability to do hospital corners with your sheets?

Is it fair that some of your siblings get two special days each, when all you have is your crummy birthday because you were just born, but they were adopted?

That’s life. And parents shouldn’t even aim for fair. Fair is a pie-in-the-sky, a-ooo-gaa-trouble-ahead, wake-up-and-smell-the-toast trap that will have kids comparing notes and tallying scores, one-upping all the way to Resentmentville.

It’s not about fair. It’s about love, and about each child being treasured for him- or herself without regard to how the others are cherished. It’s about all the stories carrying weight, whether a tale of water retention and mom’s swollen ankles or of Homestudies and birth parent histories. It’s about family and where everyone fits and how that fit feels to everyone fitting together.