Open adoption, Page 2

The Positives

Birth parents may appreciate the control an open process will provide. Ongoing contact … phone calls, photos, visits – whatever is agreed … allows them to follow the child’s life, relieving the anxiety that can come with not knowing.

Adoptive families gain information, as medical histories are accessible, and may worry less about their child’s future investigations into the past. Knowing they were chosen specifically by the birth mother can also be empowering.

Click here to be
helped in California! Pregnant? Click Here

For the child, knowledge is better than ignorance and information takes the power from questions. An open adoption gives the answers to, “Who do I look like?” and “Why was I relinquished?”

Some open adoptions work out so well that adoptive and birth families swear they get on better with each other than they do with the blood relations. Others, of course, have different experiences. Most admit to rough going in the beginning, followed by a lot of work from both sides.

As one mom explains, “Our completely open adoption was so hard at first. I was worried my role as ‘Mama’ was somehow lessened, but we so wanted our son to know his first mother so he wouldn’t grow up with all the questions that adopted kids are sometimes plagued with. Three years later and it was SO worth all the effort. Not only does he have a relationship with the woman who gave him life, we all love her. It’s like we got the prize that comes with the gift.”

The Negatives

The flip side of the issue has proponents, as well.

Some feel that forcing openness may prompt unwanted abortions or future abuse as, to some parents, confidentiality would be the only way relinquishment would be possible. Others claim adoptive parents are less likely to bond completely with a child when birth parents are in the picture.
One study out of Texas compared birthmothers in open adoptions to those who had chosen closed adoption and reported that it was harder for longer for those in open situations than the others.
A change in circumstances for either the birth or adoptive families as time passes can also create friction in an open adoption that would be avoided if the expectation had not been set.

It is not easy these days to find birth parents or adoptees in favor of closed adoptions, but some adoptive families are very comfortable with their choice.

One adoptive parent writes, “I chose a closed adoption because I am selfish and self-serving and I didn't want to share. You see, I find it much easier to be grateful to the woman who gave birth to our daughters (hers and mine) in the abstract than to share them with her on a daily basis.
“I placed my own needs and my own desires as a mother over the needs of my daughters' mother and even over those that may emerge for my daughters as they get older. Also, I was afraid. Afraid of not doing open adoption the right way, the way that would be best for me as the primary parent. I thought that if I could not assure myself of the opportunity to be the best parent I could possibly be, then our odds of having a successful adoption would drop dramatically. I didn't want to risk that. I was too afraid.

“That's it. My reasoning is not complicated. I chose closed adoption because I thought that was what would be best for me as a parent. I do not regret that choice. I have not had a minute of drama, fear, anxiety, or relationship tension with any other soul responsible for my daughters' love, happiness and well-being. There have been no issues to work through; no behaviors or critical incidents to explain; no disappointments from missed visits, forgotten birthdays or Christmas gifts; no broken promises.”

Laws on disclosure of information relating to adoptions are changing all the time and vary state to state, and by the time your child is old enough to conduct a search for birth parents after a closed adoption, the situation will be much different. For an idea of how things stand at the moment, however, see this site: State Adoption Disclosure Laws at a Glance.

Previous Page Next Page

Credits: Sandra Hanks Benoiton