Risk in Domestic Infant Adoption, Page 2

20 Questions Online

One way to assess certain risks is a free interactive tool from Adoption.com called risks.adoption.com. The questionnaire asks 20 questions that explore general attitudes, specific situations, and include all parties to the proposed adoption and their extended families. Questions include reference to the ICWA (Indian Child Welfare Act), the father and his family, and counseling opportunities. Risk values are assigned to the answers.

Bear in mind that these kinds of indicators don't tell the whole story, and high risk values do not necessarily mean the adoption will not go through. The opposite is also true.

Better Practice/Practice Better

Answering a series of questions - any questions - may give adopting parents something to focus on, but many believe that the key to an adoption plan with the best chance of a positive outcome for adopting parents depends on adoption practices. Areas seen as impacting risk are:

• No financial involvement: Adopting parents would not provide any financial support to biological parents, either pre- or post-adoption, thereby not engendering any feelings of obligation on the part of expectant parents, and not giving prospective adoptive parents a base for believing that the adoption is a "done deal."
  
  
• No pre-relinquishment placement: Some suggest that no placement be made in the home of adopting parents until all consents and relinquishment papers have been signed. This means that the child would either spend the interim period with his/her parents, or in foster care. [Note: In some states, even after signing relinquishment papers, placing parents are allowed a certain length of time during which they can decide not to proceed.]
  
  
• Improved input from professionals: It has also been suggested that adoption professionals need to do more in the area of presenting prospective adoptive parents with realistic information and better counseling.

A professional's advice

Brenda Romanchik is an author, birthmother, and speaker at regional and national adoption conferences.

She writes,

"[Prospective adoptive parents] are encouraged to think of this child as a gift to them, instead of them being a gift to the child, should the child's parents decide to place. They are encouraged to have a psychological pregnancy through one particular woman considering adoption, including going on doctor visits, being in the delivery room, and camping out at the hospital, as if the decision to place was made final when they were "chosen" as potential adoptive parents."

Romanchik believes adopting parents will benefit most when given the best information, presented with realities of family dynamics, and discouraged from becoming involved to the emotional maximum. She believes the crux of the matter is the counseling offered by adoption professionals, and says,

"I think we should talk about the risks involved in a very realistic way, not in terms of a "birthmother changing her mind" but the "mother or father deciding to parent."

I think we should use the terms mother and father when talking about those considering adoption (for the benefit of all I might add).

I think we should discourage prospective adoptive parents from being in the delivery room, doing doctor visits and hanging out at the hospital. I think it raises a lot of false expectations in themselves, encourages feelings of obligation in mothers and fathers, and in many ways invites disaster. (How can a mother or father relinquish what they have not been allowed to claim? Too often they are torn by the reality after the baby is gone and they panic. They deserve time to bond as well as say good-bye... and more than 48 hours of it.)

I like [Jim] Gritter's model of teaching prospective adoptive parents to think of themselves a resource to the expectant parents, not the expectant parents being a resource to them (as in a means to "get" a baby).

I also think we (the professionals) need to make sure that when a parent decides to parent, there is support and understanding of the loss to the prospective adoptive parents. It is like a miscarrage and needs to be treated as one, taking into consideration the other pregnancy losses that may have gone before.

I know all of this is difficult to teach with people who have been through the ringer of infertility and just desperately want to parent, but it is imperative to take the high road here for the children's sake."

Words from a MADNANA

MADNANA is the nickname of a member of our forums who has provided enormous insight into adoption practices, and given warm and encouraging support to adopting parents in spite of her personal experience.

When her son's girlfriend proceeded to arrange an adoption placement for their child, her son refused to sign relinquishment papers. Her grandson is now a much treasured member of both sides of his biological family.

She says,

"I find myself sometimes thinking about the family that was selected to adopt my grandson (if indeed they were selected, and notified.) I wonder how they feel. And what they have been told. I have to wonder if the way things were explained to them was totally truthful.

If it was up to me, I would want to let them know somehow what the *truth* was from our perspective. To share with them a little more detail, to go past "the father would not relinquish." Because in all honesty, I bet being told that could upset them, cause them to have perceptions that are incorrect... Do they know that this was a well thought-out decision, and that he has support? Do they know that my grandson is treasured and loved by many, many people... none of whom could possibly be considered anything but decent people?

Not to say that I think that would ease their own feelings of loss... I know it wouldn't. But, at least they wouldn't be wondering if the baby somehow lost out on something, because IMO, he didn't.

Sometimes I think not relinquishing is the best decision. I do however, wish the couple who thought they would adopt our grandson would know he is safe, loved, treasured beyond belief, and that his parents and family are doing all that is good and right."

© Nancy S. Ashe