The other mother

If the expectant woman considering allowing you to adopt her child is a feature in your family life and home, introductions will be necessary. (Please remember, this person is NOT “your birth mother.” She’s not a birth mother at all until after she’s relinquished her child, and then she is a birth mother only to the child she delivered and relinquished, not to other children in the home, not to Gramps and Gran, and certainly not to you.) How you incorporate this special person into an existing child’s life may color the tone of the relationship that will develop between siblings, so respect is vital.

Be aware that many in the adoption world feel that pre-birth relationships are a formula for pressure and heartbreak, and some agencies will not do pre-birth matches.

One placement expert put it this way: “The only pre-birth matching that I know that has worked is when the relationships formed before birth remain and develop into warm steady relationships (like extended family, not co-parenting) that continue throughout a child's lifetime. Those situations are rare, unfortunately.”

If you are to develop a relationship pre-birth, it’s important that relationship is with the woman as a person, not only as a vessel. If all your warm fuzzies for her emanate from your parenting persona and focus only on her middle, chances are that the fondness that can feel like a life-long affection may fade like a fifth-grade crush once the baby is no longer such an obvious part of her, and so out of reach for you.

A birth mother insists:

“If a birth mom allows you the privilege of raising her child, honor her, treat her with the respect that, as one of your child's mothers, she deserves. KEEP ALL YOUR PROMISES TO HER NO MATTER HOW HARD THEY MAY BE TO KEEP! Women rarely place babies for adoption because they do not love or want them. It is generally an act of desperation and a desire to give their child the kind of life that they feel unable to provide. Most birth mothers are decent women who do not deserve to be treated with distaste, disgust, and disrespect - and their children do not want them to be treated that way. If you dishonor a birth mother, you dishonor the child, and that can hurt - she is a part of them.”

Not all infant adoptions result in a genuine bond between the adult notes on the triad chord, but how much better it may be for all if harmony is achieved.

An adoptive mother explains: “A very open adoption was really hard for us to make work, but has it ever been worth it! Most people, even family thought at first that we were crazy to pursue such a close relationship, so I've had to "educate" many. It is working for us, and I believe it will help my daughter become a secure and happy person. I adore our daughter’s first mother, and feel having her a constant in our child’s life will bring nothing but bonuses. We've recently had contact with the birth mom’s sister, a birth aunt, who is wonderful. It can be hard to put aside insecurities, and I'm proud of what we've accomplished. This is what is best for our daughter in the long run. And even in the short run, it’s nice for all of us.”

Credits: Sandra Hanks Benoiton