What can go wrong?

Like so much that is momentous in life, adoption requires a leap of faith. No one in their right mind would ever marry, move, get pregnant, travel, drive a car … cross the street, for that matter … as we all know there is absolutely no assurance that any of these steps won’t be a huge mistake, go terribly wrong, or be our last.

Life itself is risk, and everything worth doing takes at least a bit of courage, and sticking your neck out is often the only way to move forward.
In adoption, it’s not your head you’re offering up on a plate, but your heart and your money. Although you may be more than willing to step gladly from the solid rock of certainty onto the ephemeral path of faith in future, preparing yourself for all possible contingencies is a good idea.

A change in plan …

There are many who would not place the topic of parents deciding to parent their child in a section called, “What can go wrong.” After all, there is nothing but right about in scenario where a woman in a crisis pregnancy ultimately finds herself in a position to successfully bring up her child rather than complete an adoption plan with relinquishment.

If the world was perfect and life was fair, every baby would be born into a safe and loving family longing for its debut and willing and able to provide for every need. Rejoicing when that is the case is a common denominator among humans.

That’s the moral high ground.

The real world, however, proves that more often than most would wish, children’s circumstances are far from this ideal and not everyone who conceives will, can or should parent.

Adoption is a see-saw of loss and gain … level is extremely rare … and a parent who had been making an adoption plan finding the wherewithall to parent can come as a devastating blow to hopeful adoptive parents.

Failed adoption

For anyone who’s suffered years of infertility, the thought of a failed adoption can be almost enough to tempt the thought of chucking the whole idea of parenthood and deciding to buy a boat or something equally diverting instead. Such disappointment tied to something as integral as the desire to be a mother or a father is more than gut-wrenching, and the term ‘failed adoption’ is like a cold knife to a warm and longing heart.

Caution and restraint are the watchwords here, and although decking the halls with all things baby and shouting to the rooftops that parenthood is just around the corner sounds like the potential for more fun and happiness that you’ve had since you woke up on your fifth birthday to find your first bicycle at the foot of your bed, take it slowly.

As long as the baby your hoping will be yours is inside its mother it’s hers, no matter who may be encouraging you to think differently. Pre-birth agreements neither bestow nor withdraw parenthood, so no matter how badly you’d like to morph the bump on the front of the woman making an adoption plan that includes you into a little bundle angelically dozing in your brand new Moses basket it can’t happen until it’s happened.

The best way to avoid the trauma that’s called ‘failed adoption’ is to keep a proper perspective and understand that there is no adoption until the child has been relinquished by the birth parents, rights are terminated and the time for revocation of consent has passed.

This is wise, harsh and virtually impossible.

For a disappointed father’s advice on how a couple can cope with a failed adoption, here’s a touching article from Adoptive Families Magazine.

Credits: Sandra Hanks Benoiton