Where do babies come from? Or not?, Page 2

Relinquishment…

Back in the days of less awareness, people spoke of children being ‘given up’ for adoption. Depending on who’s doing the talking these days, relinquishment can also be called placement, although the semantics would seem to make it sound a two-step process.

Why?

Reasons for relinquishment are as varied as the women who have them.

Sometimes the issues are black and white and a decision is reached without a long internal debate.

There are those who, with the first bout of nausea, grasp every implication of the change about to occur in life and run with it, quickly prepared to meet every challenge, overcome every obstacle and parent to the best of their ability for the rest of their lives.

Conversely, some women know long before they miss their first period that motherhood is not for them. An unplanned pregnancy in this case can be distressing and traumatic, but not mind changing. Some may choose abortion. Others may not be willing to take that step, and feel that adoption is the better path for their child.

More often, however, deliberations go on for the term of the pregnancy and beyond before a final determination is made. Verdicts can be overturned daily, even hourly, and assessments of the future, long and short, can vary more wildly than the weather.

Coming to a crossroads that may feel like this -- difficult parenting ahead, grief and loss to the left, illusive contentment to the right … and backwards is not an option -- the thought of taking steps in any direction would be daunting. ‘What ifs’ litter the ground, and for all anyone knows there could very well be a minefield to negotiate on any of the paths.

Given the finite time frame of an unplanned pregnancy, not too many weeks pass before the need to formulate ideas for the fairly immediate future becomes pressing. Procrastination grows increasingly less comfortable as the months tick by and the person inside starts demanding attention be paid.

Although youth and poverty are commonly thought of as indicators of the likelihood the adoption option will be taken, neither or both demand this be the case. Many young women, even those of very limited means, choose to parent and do it well.

Unmarried status used to convey insurmountable hurdles, so much so that in other times and cultures suicide was often the solution with the fewest negatives. Thankfully in our here and now, single parenting is not only acceptable, in the view of none too few it’s preferable. Some unmarried women, however, do find the thought of raising a child without benefit of a partner overwhelming.

Good reasons…

In researching this book, experts have been consulted for guidance and advice, so when it came to writing about reasons for relinquishment it was a birth mother whose experience proved most enlightening.

Although careful to explain that in her estimation all relinquishments lead to a lifetime lived with a level of sorrow that never abates, she did list the following reasons as valid and acceptable:

Mothers who have abusive families and/or relationships who believe that if they kept their child it would be subjected to the same kind of poor parenting and/or abusive treatment that they received. This category of mom feels that by placing their child for adoption, they may be doing it a favor.
Women who haven’t a maternal bone in their body and feel as if parenting would be unfulfilling, inhibit their freedom, or just in general be a total drag. They have no interest in parenting … ever. Nothing about motherhood is at all appealing. Some high- powered career women fall into this category.
Women that have long-term irresolvable issues such as drugs, alcohol, mental illness, etc., who believe they will never be in a position to parent … not that they are "comfortable" with their decision …maybe more resigned that it is for the best.
Birth mothers who use religion to justify their decision and are convinced that God directed them to relinquish.
Potential birth mothers who have carefully studied adoption from all angles, are as fully informed as possible about how they or their child may feel later, made their decision strictly on their own with no pressure and still decided that their child would have a better life elsewhere, and that they will not regret their decision later. This group feels certain that they could not have parented well. They placed their children for adoption not due to a short term issue, that might improve in a year or so, but a more permanent problem/issue that will hold up over time – such as – they just do not want to parent or feel they ever will do a good job of it.

There is no question that personal experience greatly influences a persons ‘take’ on every topic. This birth mom is no exception, and well aware of how her life effects her perception. She ends with this:

“When women are trying to make that decision - which path to take - they often have no idea how deeply losing their child will wound them, or understand their child may sometimes suffer more by the decision to relinquish [than if parented by the mother]. That is the crux though - which path will hurt their child the least.

“Landmines do exist on every path. I parented as a single mom for many years and know that it is hard. However, compared to living losing my son? No comparison - a million times harder than to be a single mom. For some women, it could be different ...”

No good reasons…

If an expectant mother can’t come up with very good reasons not to parent, everyone involved has an obligation to question why the child is being relinquished.

Has she been pressured into making this choice? Has she been encouraged to let someone else decide for her? Have there been lies involved, or strong efforts to diminish the experience and convince her that, “time heals all wounds,” and that she’ll soon get over any suffering she may feel from the loss of her child?

For the long-term happiness of all members of the triad, for the successful blending of birth parents/child/adoptive family that allows a child to grow in a safe climate of warmth and love, the foundations of the adoption must be solid and rooted in integrity.

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Credits: Sandra Hanks Benoiton