Why or why not

One view:
As mentioned, some expectant mothers choose independent adoptions over agency adoptions because it gives them the power to set the agenda on their terms to suit their needs. They meet the potential parents they want to meet. They demand the information important to them. They can network how and where they want as they search for the family they want to raise their child. They define the terms without agency interference.

Click here to be
helped in California! Pregnant? Click Here

Although some women in crisis pregnancies may decide to have professionals run the show, others want and need to maintain power in what can be a very stressful position. Independent adoption puts them in the driver’s seat.

Having all the say over who will parent your child is a huge responsibility, and one many expectant mothers cherish. To enable her to make such a vital decision, she is entitled to know whatever she wants to know about the potential family for her child: how they look; their education and professional backgrounds; their personal history, including marriages; how much money they make / how much money they owe; their attitudes on religion, the environment and geopolitical stability in the Middle East; how they feel about pets – cats/dogs/both/neither; if they like bowling or skydiving or camping; who their favorite bands are and what movies they go to; if they vote Republican or Democrat, believe in spanking or plan to send their child to private schools.

If she wants to meet potential parents, only a couple of states require a face-to-face, but the option is certainly hers. If she wants to meet them often, that’s her choice, too. If it’s important to develop a relationship, the expectant mom gets to try this on for fit.

If an open adoption is what she’s looking for, learning the family may give many clues as to how this may work out over the long run.

If she wants only limited contact, having all questions answered can give peace of mind in the years to come when she will invariably cast her mind to her child and try to picture the growing baby’s day-to-day life.

There is no shortage of critics of independent adoptions, and one group that almost unanimously takes issue with the process is birth mothers who relinquished in the past. Many see private adoptions as a deck stacked against the expectant parents, with little to no support, counseling and protection, or a loose cannon where much can go terribly wrong. Good agencies, many claim, are more prepared to educate both sets of parents, promote open adoptions, and fairly represent all needs.

Bottom line, though, according to one expert birth mom: What makes or breaks an adoption a “success” is not whether it is facilitated by private or agency, it is the people involved. Not the facilitators or agency workers, but the people who live the adoption every day – the parents, adoptive and birth.

For many, practicalities pregnancy come in to play as well. Expenses associated with pregnancy and birth can be prohibitive. Selecting an adoptive family to cover the costs of prenatal care and delivery can bring peace of mind while doing the most to assure the health of the child. The need to provide a roof, a bed, healthy food and a safe environment can also motivate an expectant mother to connect with a hopeful future adoptive family.

Another view:
Just as independent adoptions give expectant parents more control over the process, hopeful adoptive parents may also like dealing directly.

Often agencies impose restrictions that have nothing to do with law … adoptive parental age or marital status, for example … so independent adoption offers an option to those who may not conform to agency profiling, but have much on offer birth mothers may appreciate.

In private adoptions families are free to do whatever fits the comfort zone to locate an expecting woman developing an adoption plan, and to encourage her to consider placing her child with them.

What one adoptive mom likes about independent adoption:

Some control over the process, who you meet and how the matching goes.
Possibly much less expensive than an agency adoption (dependant upon agreed expenses, length of search, etc.)
When things seem to be slowing down, you can kick-start the efforts by placing more or different ads, circulating more introductions, etc.
You can see to it personally that the expectant woman gets the legal council and emotional counseling necessary for an ethical process and the best possible beginning to your relationship.
You have direct and unfiltered contact with the mother.

Agencies may have dozens, if not hundreds, of other families waiting for potential matches, and some may worry about being lost in the shuffle. A long client list may mean extended waits as everyone moves slowly up the queue, and without knowledge of the other waiting families you may have little information to help you estimate where you are on the list or just how long the wait may be before you’re being considered.

When you’re doing it yourself, your family is on top of the pile … you are the pile, actually -- the whole darned pile … so it’s you and no others who will get the call, set the date, answer the questions and meet the mother.

A creative family can focus their efforts on their quest to connect in a mutually beneficial relationship with a woman making an adoption plan. Newspapers, the Internet, family, friends, church, hobby groups, pregnancy centers, doctors … all and more can be used to make you known as a hopeful future adoptive family actively pursuing the dream of adding a child through the miracle of adoption.

(See the chapter “Getting the Word Out” to read more about networking.)

Although it’s certainly the expectant parent in the power position in independent adoption, having total control of the prospective adoptive family angle may allow the process to move fast, cost less and build a better relationship between all notes of the triad than can be possible through the filter of agency involvement.

Previous Chapter | Table of Contents | Next Chapter

Credits: Sandra Hanks Benoiton